Thoughts from 3am

photo by Robert Doisneau
as told by Michelle Endicott

Her little feet rest on a cobbled street; its bricks uneven, sanded down with time. She is with two siblings, comfortably investigating the terrain. A baroque streetlight tall with its iron post bestows a glass lantern jutted forward from its corniced arm, guarding over her. It is daylight but the clouds have gathered in a blanket of grey and off white; dimming the blue sky. Narrow beams of sunlight peer through the shrouded sky painting the pavement in ghostly shadows. A light breeze, scented with baked breads and squalor grazes her face, blowing her curly hair backwards, gently closing her eyes; delighted to feel the wind.  She does not have the words yet to understand the level of destitution that has nestled its way into her part of the city. 

A constant smog lies permanently above the city as smoke rises from chimneys on top of buildings; some in livable condition, others decaying in place. A deteriorating low wall  behind the dramatic streetlight crumbles in pieces; leaving small piles of sand and rock in the crevice where  cobblestone meets the wall.  In the distance, a leafless tree with its bony branches outstretched, stirs in the wind like an apparition leaving its grave for the night. She looks with wonder at the city before her-unknowing of the future. Only grateful the wind picked her to feel its whisper. 

As you walk along the jagged rocks, you are conscious of the slime green moss that is wet and slippery. The ancient formations are hard on your feet and cause you to feel unbalanced as you make your way to the shoreline. It smells of dead marine life and salt but comforts you in a strange sort of way. You crouch on a massive rock that has sat in its place since the beginning of time. Witness to the hardships the cold dark waters have brought upon us. As you look toward the horizon, you see faintly an outline of a ship. It appears as an apparition under the cover of dusk and squint your eyes to see if it is real. 

Your face becomes wet with each crashing wave, sprayed toward you as a way of offering from its host. It wants you to feel its refreshing mist and taste it’s salty body. You are unbothered and feel grateful. This beautiful shoreline with its towering lighthouse has provided a watchful eye to sailors of many lifetimes.

As it grows dark, a sliver of moonlight outlines the clouds. The ghost ship has disappeared and the fog horn blows loud. Vigilant keepers warning sailors of the unsettling haze that has covered the little sea town. You muffle your ears to block the noise. You sit still, your senses heightened, unable to discern what is front of you. Your ears become attuned to the crisp movement of the waves. You hear the seagulls mewing, happy they caught a fish. As your turn to navigate the way back to the paved road, you notice the beam of light, extending from its historic perch and signaling its presence and unwavering protection.  

my mind is constantly racing with ideas
what could i be doing in the later part of my life that serves …
me
my wants
ticks off all the boxes of what i want to do

i’ll be 52 tomorrow. i don’t really like my job. i like the people i work with but not the actual function of my position. i feel like at my age and with my work history, i should be in a more desirable place

i want to be in a more desirable place

but where is that?

i read about people all the time that have experienced that “ah ha!” moment and figured their shit out
and they preach their testimony endlessly
but they always leave the good stuff out
the meat of the story
the important stuff like….. how exactly did you make that happen?

i’ll explain
so let’s say you have that “ah ha!” moment. now what?
what happens in that sucky space of figuring something out and then living it everyday?
did you quit your job?
if so, how did you pay for things?
did you have savings?
how did you pay rent on the new storefront for your business?
how about working on a sustainable business plan while still working 40 + hours a week?
aren’t you exhausted?
how did you get a loan? if not, then what? how did you proceed?

did you family support you?
did you even tell people your idea?
also, how did you get to your “ah ha!” moment?
did you make lists? mind maps? watch master class?
so you had an idea and everything just lined up and it happened?

everyone glosses over the time between idea and reality

what actually happens in that space in between?

i had an idea that came to me in a time of desperation. this is nothing new when i am besieged with my typical complain-y type thoughts that cause me to question my place in life. so to answer these intrusions, i (habitually) come up with ideas that i think are so helpful and so amazing and “yes girl…you got this” type of thing.

i forge ahead. i research! yes!! this is a great idea. I buy domains, logos and thank you notes for all the thank you’s i am going to write to all the good people who helped me get this off the ground. getter done is what i always say. i am on FIRE!

a few weeks go by and i am sitting at my kitchen table. my workspace is in full project mode. i’m shuffling papers… i’m stapling stuff and organizing my pens when i notice my husband is sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

he just looks at me and says, “babe, what are you doing here”?

i am crazy he tells me. IMPULSIVE even!

i listen and don’t react (weird)

ok i tell him. point taken. what’s next?

i go to a dentist in a town i am familiar with. i get there in time (for once) and as i exit my car, my senses come alive as i feel the warmth of the sun and the smell of the grass. i stop and pay attention. the universe has sent me a gift (?)

then it occurs to me that i used to live in this town many years ago and had many mornings that were warm and grassy smelling, but never once had the urge to literally stop myself from walking and be present in the (any) moment. why now?