Thoughts from 3am

it occurred to me just now

that maybe I give
and give
and give

to acknowledge
that I matter

fifty-plus years in
and nothing’s changed.

I am the problem.

they swallow me whole,

and I go willingly
into the lion’s mouth.

I might resist a bit.

my body reacts.

my mind clouds over.

I toss and turn.

I dream strange.

then wake up

and smoke too many cigarettes.

I look at the mountains.

I watch the birds.

and sigh

a lot.